The reason I am writing you this letter (yes, I’m rather impressed I can write too, but you know cats are very smart) is that it has come to my attention that I am on the naughty list this year. There must be an error, and I am writing to correct the mistake. In the paragraphs outlined below, I will illustrate why I most certainly deserve to be on the nice list (and showered with presents) this year.
Cats Have Health Benefits to Humans
The act of simply petting me helps reduce hu-mom’s stress levels, which makes her feel happier. That’s not even all I can do! Santa, did you know that simply by sitting on my human’s lap, I can lower her blood pressure? Incredible, I know. I’m practically a doctor. But that just goes to show that just having me around already makes mom happier and healthier. I’ve also noticed that every time I knead and make kitty biscuits on mom’s squishy tummy that she talks about spending more time at the gym, so look at what a good helper I am!
Cats Are Great Office Assistants
I spent a great deal of time helping mom whenever she is working on the computer. Sometimes I sit by the monitor and help her see where the cursor is by tapping the screen and pointing it out. Other times I help clear off those piles of papers that stack up all over the desk. It’s so important to have a clean and cleared workspace, after all. Another way I help mom in the office is with her typing. You see, mom and I are such close buddies that we can finish each other’s sentences. She doesn’t seem to be a very good reader, though, because she deletes all of the sweet things I type for her. I really think maybe you should bring her a book this year.
Cats Can Even Be Helpful in the Kitchen
Oh Santa, I am absolutely the best kitchen helper you’ve ever seen. I make sure to taste test everything to make sure it’s good enough for the humans. Anything that doesn’t pass the test gets thrown on the floor to show how not good enough it is. I also inspect the table settings to make sure the human children did an adequate job of setting the table. There’s almost always a fork or spoon out of place that I have to reject and kick on to the floor. How else will they learn?
Cats Teach Responsibility
Speaking of the human children, I do a lot to help them out, too. Mom said that having a kitty around to take care of and clean up after would help teach the human children responsibility. I agree, that is a great lesson for children to learn. I sometimes make extra messes just to give them more learning material! I’m pretty sure that they are going to be the most responsible humans ever when I’m finished with them.
Cats Make Excellent Decorators
I heard mom say she doesn’t like that brown chair in the tv room. I don’t like it either, so I showed dad how ugly it is, even on the inside, by making those huge holes. I mean, it wasn’t even hard to rip it–that says something about the construction of that thing. Maybe next time dad will pick a better chair. He didn’t seem very appreciative of my help, which hurt my cat feelings. He should know I am the best decorator ever after I helped him get rid of that vase grandma got us when I was a baby. It was very poorly made. I have never seen something break into so many pieces! It’s definitely a good thing I took care of it.
So you see Santa, I spend most of my waking eight waking hours being so very helpful to my human family. I don’t understand how I could have been put on your naughty list when I am such an angel. Other cats could really learn a thing or two from me about how to be nice kitties. I know you will agree with me, so if you could also please take a look at my Christmas wishlist, and let me know if you need any additional information before you do your annual delivery.