Hi peeps! Bella here.
I was recently made privy to the fact that some of you humans sit there and try to discern and explain what you deem, “weird cat behavior.” First of all, nothing we do is weird. Everything we do is perfect and in harmony with all that is right in the world. Second of all, you may think we have weird behaviors that you can’t explain, but you humans have the nuttiest behaviors of all! Seriously, we cannot begin to explain it.
Need some examples? Here are just some of the weird things people do that cats just don’t understand.
Why you don’t use your tongue to bathe is perplexing enough. But to opt to stand in the weird rainbox that resembles a prison chamber every day takes it to a whole new level of strange. First of all, is something wrong with your tongue? Does it not work its magic like ours do? I know you are a lot bigger than we are so I imagine your grooming ritual would take a trite longer than normal, but that does not mean you should just give up and resort to the rainbox. Um, hello…it’s water. Gross!
Your Obsession With the Bright Square Toy
My dear humans, why do you stare at a bright square box all day as if it were the greatest thing on earth but get upset when I try to play with it too? There must be something amazing about it; you are glued to it day in and day out. So I try to get in on the action and what do I get? The look of disapproval as you wave some furry toy in my face. I see what you are doing there. Trying to distract me with a lesser toy in the hopes I may lose interest. For the record…I haven’t. That box will be mine. Oh yes…it will be mine.
Why You Give the Teacup Humans More Attention Than Us
Look I get it, the teacup ones are totally cute. I feel the same when I look at kittens. But come on man, the teacup humans come into the home out of nowhere and all of a sudden you humans could not be bothered with us lowly ole cats? What is it about these tiny little things? You don’t get upset when they wail (louder than we do I might add). You don’t mind when they soil themselves (and don’t even bury it what’s up with that?). You even let them crawl all over us and pull our tails while you giggle and chime, “Ohh how cute!”. We like the teacups too, but I am failing to see how they should get more attention than your feline defenders of the abode.
Why You Don’t Like the Gifts We Give You
Look I am not one to brag, but do you even know how much strategic maneuvers it takes to catch one of those things? I then go out of my way to be the wonderful, selfless angel that I am and give you this delicious treat out of the kindness of my heart. And what do I get? A look of disdain followed by a contrived pat on the head. Don’t try to placate me because you dislike my gift to you. Just be honest and say you don’t like it. I bet the weird barking slobbery guy in the house will gladly take my gift instead.
So apparently humans all suffer from some form of hyperactivity disorder that limits their sleeping to a measly 7-10 hours per night. Some of them, though I shudder to even think of such nonsense, survive on even less. This just makes no sense in the world. Why would anyone volunteer to get so little sleep when it is the biggest bright spot in an otherwise long day. Oh, that reminds me, they barely ever sleep during the day. Except the teacup humans. They take these things called “naps.” I always knew the teacup ones were smarter.
There are many other behaviors I could rattle off but it would take me all day. Fear not, I shall return with more later. For now, I am off to go eat some gourmet cat treats and snuggle with my humans.